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How to make new habits…
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When people are trying to figure out how to actually make goals happen they know they have to make and break habits. I mean, you know that… right? Of course, you do! Yet, each year people choose to make new habits around this time and fail repeatedly. We may not truly grasp how bad, old habits are broken, but just about everyone can grasp the concept of how new habits are formed: We make a decision to make a new habit, get repetitions of said habit in daily, and over ‘x’ amount of time it will become something we do automatically without putting as much time, energy, and thought into it. Simple! Or maybe not so simple.
I’ve recently become a podcast guy. I love listening to podcasts that discuss productivity, human nature, psychology, relationships, and business. Just the other day I was listening to The Tim Ferris Show and he was interviewing an author by the name of Gretchen Rubin (I’ll include links to Tim’s podcast and the interview at the end). Amidst all the talk about Gretchen’s upbringing, books, and publishing, Tim’s questions her ideas around making and breaking habits to which Gretchen dives into what she calls the “4 Tendencies.”
Now, before I list and discuss Gretchen’s 4 Tendencies I just want to say that I’m not really in favor of putting people and their ‘personality types’ into boxes. I will also say that these 4 tendencies make a lot of sense and identifying with one of them may give you some insight into the ways you typically respond to goal setting. With this info and a fresh perspective, my hopes are that you might be able to come up with a few alternative methods proving more effective than the ones you currently use when setting and working toward achieving goals.
So, let’s get into it, shall we?
Gretchen Rubin’s 4 Tendencies as noted from her book, The 4 Tendencies.
Gretchen Rubin’s 4 Tendencies
When discussing goal setting and achievement there are two kinds of goals a person can have which she refers to as inner and outer expectations. An example of an inner expectation would be one you’d set for yourself like, ‘I’m going to start a new diet,’ or ‘I’m going to go to the gym 3 times per week.’ An outer expectation would be one that is given or assigned to you by others, like your boss for instance. How we execute these goals depend on our tendencies as Gretchen would claim. So what are these tendencies?
Tendency #1. The Upholder
The upholder is one who readily takes on internal and external goals and can focus their effort on accomplishing them until they are done and move onto the next set of goals. In fact, the Upholder needs to have goals readily available to work on because achieving things is essentially what they do.
The downside to being an Upholder is they can tend to be cold to others around them. They can become super strict in maintaining course on they objectives and brush people off. For example, if a woman came home to her husband one day and told him that old friends were coming to town tonight for a surprise visit, and upholder would say, “Oh well I guess you’ll be alone with them because I have to run 10 miles in preparation for my marathon in a few months.”
Tendency #2. The Questioner
This person questions all expectations. It has to make sense in order for them to even take the first step. In a way, they turn everything into an inner expectation. As they are presented with outer expectations they question whether the tasks at hand meet their standards. If it meets their standards, they’re game to take on new goals. If it doesn’t meet their standards or if it seems irrational or illogical they will resist.
You guys are kind of a pain in the ass for us trainers to work with… no offense. You like to take all expectations and make them internal. We as trainers give you options, you seem to resist every one of them, and show up in the gym the next day with a “brilliant new idea” that kinda sounds similar to yesterday’s option #2. See what I’m getting at? But we still got love for ya.
Tendency #3. The Rebel
You’re the small crowd of the four tendencies and you guys just resist everything. You don’t like to be told what to do. You can meet internal expectation, but you’ll even sabotage your internal expectations if you feel others expect them from you. And, of course, external expectations… well they’re not happenin’.
Tendency #4. The Obliger
This final tendency tends to be the most common and commonly the type of person I find at my doorstep. The Obliger is the person who’s great at meeting other’s expectations, but because they put others first all the time, they fall short of meeting their own expectations. This is the kind of person who over-delivers at work, putting in countless hours to exceed other’s standards, and never get’s a chance to put themselves first.
I’m going to bet that the majority of people who will read this will relate to being an Obliger. I also believe we as a country produce Obligers in the way we are brought up in school and sports. We’re so eager to please and seek approval. Of course, this can make you a very dependable person, too…
…until your health finally suffers too greatly to do anything anymore because you always put your well-being last while taking caring of everyone else’s needs on every beck and call.
So forget about your new year’s resolution. Stop trying to set goals for yourself, because let’s face it. You’re never going to get them done anyway, right? This is you. You kick ass at doing things for others and flat out suck at achieving your own goals, so give it up.
Or maybe it’s not time to give up…
If you’re an Obliger you may say things to yourself things like,
“When I was in college and played sports, I showed up to practice and exercised every day. Why can’t I get myself to workout just a couple times a week and stick to it?”
If you think about it, playing sports when you were in school meant you were on a team and your teammates depended on you to do your part as a member of the team. Your coaches were on your ass the moment you were late to practice. There was accountability and that meant as an Obliger you worked diligently to meet those outer expectations.
So when relating your actions the time you were on a team to the times you just set goals for yourself, in essence, your relating apples to oranges. You’re asking yourself why you were so good at doing one thing and terrible at another when now you can clearly see the difference between the two environments.
In one scenario you had a boatload of accountability and you worked your butt off to meet other’s expectations and therefore performed well in your sport. In the other scenario your only accountability is you, and looking back now with this new perspective you may notice that historically this hasn’t worked for you. The goals you set for yourself just get bogged down by all the things you end up having to do for everyone else.
The good news is, with this understanding you can put yourself in environments which foster your success by taking those inner expectations and making them outer expectations and here’s how. Just like the days when you were part of a team or a club and you successfully maintained healthy productive habits, you can find people with common goals and a coach to team up with and find the accountability you need to keep you on track.
I know it sounds simple, but for many, asking for help is hard and maybe at times embarrassing. Many would think of being an Obliger as a weakness, but it’s not! Don’t identify with the idea that you’re not as motivated as an Upholder is, 0r view the fact that you benefit from using a community of people to help you stay on track as a disability. Use what works!
At FitLife Fusion we have a private facebook group. If you’re a member of FitLife Fusion and your reading this you know what I’m about to say. If you’re not one of our members, then I’m about to give you the key to taking your internal expectations and transforming them into external expectations which will now line you up for success in achieving goals that you originally set for yourself.
The Key to success as an Obliger
Don’t just join a gym and try to hold yourself accountable for daily exercise and dieting. Even if you enlist the help of a friend with similar goals you’ll most likely end up quitting together (and you can read about why friends don’t help friends in a recent blog post, “The Friend Effect” Why friends don’t really help friends).
Instead, join a group. Work with a professional who knows the route you must take and doesn’t hold back when you need to be checked back onto the path. When you join an accountability group whether it be a private group on Facebook like ours or a group of friends or colleagues, be sure to use the group! participate. Tell people your goals and put it all out there. Ask questions. Join in on the conversation. Get uncomfortable and maybe allow yourself be a bit vulnerable. This is how you can leverage a group and transform inner expectations into outer expectations.
And as I said, if you are a member here at FiLife Fusion, USE THE GROUP! Participate. Post an update of things that may not even seem important. It helps to stay present in the group. It provides accountability. I promise, if you find yourself to be an obliger, which many of us are, this is the answer to getting yourself focused on crushing your goals in 2018!
Links:
The Four Tendencies Quiz: https://www.surveygizmo.com/s3/3706759/Gretchen-Rubin-s-Quiz-The-Four-Tendencies
More on Gretchen Rubin: https://gretchenrubin.com
The Tim Ferriss Show (podcast & blog): https://tim.blog/podcast/
I sat down and quickly unwrapped the muffin. The sweet smell hit me in the face and the slight oily feeling of the muffin in my hands was a sure sign that this muffin is going to be moist. This could be the king of all blueberry muffins. I tore a chunk off with a massive blueberry in it and popped it in my mouth. F@$kin’ delicious! It was exactly what a blueberry muffin should taste like. Moist, sweet, and the blueberries weren’t sour or bitter. Needless to say, it fed the craving. 
If you saw my latest post, 
I also try to eat as often as possible. I generally eat about 4 meals per day and eat fruit or sip on orange juice and milky coffee the times in between. 
